Uncertain Times Can Bring Up Fears, but Remember There Will Be a Tomorrow

This month’s mantra is fitting because of my recent diagnosis of having ADD, something I’d long suspected but which took a back seat to my more serious mental health challenges of depression and anxiety disorder. Some might ask what “it” was that got my doctor to take an assessment that showed me hitting every single marker for ADD. For my close friends this diagnosis wasn’t all that surprising since they’ve experienced the fallout caused by my ADD. Too many of them can recount endless stories of me forgetting to show up for our dates or showing up for dates a week early since my brain isn’t wired to keep an orderly calendar or schedule. With the best of intentions I spent years purchasing those Moleskin calendars, which served no purpose since I never wrote any appointments in them but instead used them to write down things that had happened as if it were a diary and not a calendar. 

My ADD and the ability to hyper focus helps me as a writer even if the process looks messy to others. Tasks that would take a normal person a few hours to finish usually took me months to face since I was a master of procrastination. All of that time I spent worrying and not doing what I needed to do would turn into me beating myself up for procrastinating. You can see the vicious cycle that was a constant in my life. I was also infamous for losing things like jewelry, keys, wallets. During one particularly bad month when it seemed as if my purse had a hole in the bottom, my husband came home and asked what I’d lost that day. Although he was semi-joking, his question was warranted given all I’d lost, but which turned the constant self-critical voice simply symphonic. Traveling required me to work extra hard to stay focused since the danger of missing flights was not theoretical for me. Even with all of my work to stay on task, I can’t tell you the endless times I got distracted only to find myself sprinting for my departure gate with not a minute to spare.

As much as I still rail against needing a pill to help manage my depression, my ADD diagnosis was a relief since I’d spent my entire life feeling terrible for not being able to manage and perform tasks that the rest of the world didn’t find challenging. The diagnosis and what I would need to manage another challenge of my brain was scary to put it mildly. The uncertainty and endless questions of what a new medication would do to me was overwhelming and at times terrifying to consider. After much consultation with my team of doctors, we decided medication might be worth trying. I think they thought it couldn’t make things any worse for me since the bar was so low for me. 

Fast forward seven months later and I can attest to how different I feel about myself. For starters I now keep an actual paper calendar where I write down upcoming appointments. Yes, what is normal behavior for most people is a monumental change for me. Another unexpected outcome for me, though not for my doctor, is how much calmer I am on the medication. The paradox of my brain slowing down after taking medication that is essentially speed is a mystery to me and something I still have a hard time getting my head around. I think the greatest surprising outcome is how I feel about myself since I am able to be more organized, perform tasks timely, remember appointments, keep track of personal items, and feel more in step with the rest of the world. All of this has taught me the value of this mantra of keeping steady amid uncertainty because there will always be a tomorrow that will be different and perhaps better.